Matthew 9:12b,13 But when Jesus heard that, he said unto them, They that be whole
need not a physician, but they that are sick. But go ye and learn what that
meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the
righteous, but sinners to repentance.
Yesterday I mentioned that I repented in my
heart of the life I had lived. I wasn’t specific in what I was repenting of but
that of my life in whole. I think it is important to note the difference
between repentance over an act and over your life.
The conversation that was non-verbal went
something like this.
Me: I wish I had stayed in church.
God: What’s stopping you from starting over
It was that moment when you know that the voice
in your head isn’t your own. I don’t talk to myself that way. I knew without a
doubt that God was speaking to me privately, personally, in a way I would
recognize Him. In that moment I acknowledge Him and my life hasn’t been the
For me that moment of repentance was painful. It
was deeply felt and real, sincere. It was a personal moment that I didn’t share
with anyone for some time. What I did next was what mattered.
I dusted off the only bible in the house, a
small print New International Version. I took it to bed and read from it for
the first time in decades. I began in the gospel of John thinking, “Who knew
The change in me was immediate and apparent to
everyone. It was so drastic it scared my eldest child. He told his mother that
he was afraid that men with a straight jacket were coming to haul me away. I
wasn’t going crazy, I had gotten sane. I was no longer sick.
Psalm 119:30 I have chosen the
way of truth: thy judgments have I laid before me.
When did I choose the way of truth? Well not for some time sadly.
Satan knowing that God had touched my life, because it happened in his realm,
was doing everything he could to dispel the lie I was told by Cape Neddick
Baptists. They told me I was saved, when I was not.
Living under a lie is Satan’s realm, even if it is a good intentioned
lie. I wanted to believe I was saved but everything I was said, no you are not.
Conflict and confusion would hound me for decades. I will not go into details
but there was ample evidence to support Satan’s truth about my salvation. I was
not in the Kingdom of God.
Vietnam was survived only because of God’s merciful removal of my
anger issues. Circumstances once again built up a history of guilt in which I
could no longer deny my involvement. I was now guilty.
After Vietnam I became a drug addict. God once again intervened to
save my life from overdoses and other fatal mistakes. How isn’t as important as
being able to see His involvement from this side. We don’t always recognize
God’s merciful hand until later in life.
So considering Satan has now convinced me I am in his camp, how
did God call me into His Kingdom? It all happened according to his salvation
plan. First He removed the dependency on drugs. His sovereign will once again
made a choice for me I was not willing to make for myself. I didn’t not want to
quit so He took the desire away. Now I was prepped to feel the pangs of regret
I would not have received if still on drugs.
My father died and all the repressed pain of everything I did
showed me why I kept away from dad. I was ashamed of what I had turned into and
did not want him to see me that way. That reality drove me a little crazy and
it was noticed.
Then in my heart I repented of the life I had led.