Matthew 9:12b,13 But when Jesus heard that, he said unto them, They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick. But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

Yesterday I mentioned that I repented in my heart of the life I had lived. I wasn’t specific in what I was repenting of but that of my life in whole. I think it is important to note the difference between repentance over an act and over your life.

The conversation that was non-verbal went something like this.

Me: I wish I had stayed in church.

God: What’s stopping you from starting over today?

Me: Nothing.

It was that moment when you know that the voice in your head isn’t your own. I don’t talk to myself that way. I knew without a doubt that God was speaking to me privately, personally, in a way I would recognize Him. In that moment I acknowledge Him and my life hasn’t been the same since.

For me that moment of repentance was painful. It was deeply felt and real, sincere. It was a personal moment that I didn’t share with anyone for some time. What I did next was what mattered.

I dusted off the only bible in the house, a small print New International Version. I took it to bed and read from it for the first time in decades. I began in the gospel of John thinking, “Who knew Him best?”

The change in me was immediate and apparent to everyone. It was so drastic it scared my eldest child. He told his mother that he was afraid that men with a straight jacket were coming to haul me away. I wasn’t going crazy, I had gotten sane. I was no longer sick.