Romans 15:13 English Standard Version (ESV) May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

I admit that my life was a mess and I felt bad about myself and that is why I returned to reading the bible. I continued reading my bible because reading the bible made me feel better about myself.

I was not aware that I was believing. I thought I was just reading and that the act of reading was what made me feel better about myself. I had no one to study with. I had no one to discuss the passages with me. I studied alone in the dark and that in itself made a difference in me. I was finding relevant meaning without understanding how the Word of God was making a difference.

How could the Word of God give me joy and peace in believing if I didn’t even understand that I was believing?

Just receiving the Word changes us in ways that only time can reveal. Without someone to guide you through the nuances of meanings, you are left alone with your thoughts. The fact that I favored the archaic language of the KJV made things even more unclear. I might have favored it because it was archaic and required me to think.

Reading the Word of God alone had one distinct advantage which I was not even aware of during those days. No one else was influencing me in what to think. Error was not being taught. Any mistakes were of my own making and not those of others.

During those times I had a guide that I was not even aware of because His influence was so gentle and considerate of me that He was not a strong presence. It took time to come to know Him in His role in my life.

I did not know the Holy Spirit but He was always there.