And then my father died.

For years I stayed away from my father because I was ashamed of what I had become and I did not want him to see it. While my father used alcohol for his PTSD, I used drugs.

When he died the shame hit me. This was all my fault. No one was responsible for my behavior but me. That shook me to the core, so one day as I drove to work I said in my heart that I wished I had remained in church all those years.

In that moment God spoke to me, perhaps as He did Abram, “What is stopping you from starting over?”

Matthew 3:2 “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.”

My first prayer answered was not according to design nor was my repentance. God knew my heart. I went home that night and began reading His Word and I haven’t stopped.

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

When God made Himself known to me, I did not know I was supposed to seek Him.

My circumstances were unique. Knowing that God is sovereign was not part of my knowledge about God at that time. As a teen who suddenly changed, I had no awareness of just how much had changed for me. God had only removed the anger.

The elders of the church had plans for me. I was placed in a leadership role which I was not my calling. The results led to new opportunities for sin that had not been available prior to being placed in that role. Girls saw me in a new way that brought temptations that were natural, if you know what I mean. I have no idea how I managed to remain a virgin for the next three years.

Then Vietnam, new circumstances and issues of trust became a real problem for me and I surrendered to the pressures of “being one of the guys”. War was a world I hated and navigating the pitfalls led to error and ultimately to wounds of body and soul.

PTSD was not part of my vocabulary for decades.

When I returned home my father, who served in WWII, nodded that he understood when I said “Now we both have something not to talk about.”

It was not that God had stopped influencing my life, it was that my shame kept me from seeking His face.